Older Episodes - Prism Parenting Podcast

-About one in three births is traumatic. Traumatic birth includes a wide range of experiences including a life threatening situation for the baby and/or mother and psychological distress.

-Many of the practices that women’s health professionals use are outdated. Some are harmful.

-One of the best ways to prevent an unnecessary traumatic birth experience is to attend birth classes. These classes will help you and your partner feel empowered so that you can advocate for the type of birth experience that you want. Dr. Rebecca Dekker offers classes all over the US and abroad. Find out more here: https://evidencebasedbirth.com/events/. 

-Another great resource to help you make informed decisions about you and your baby’s care is Rebecca’s book, Babies are Not Pizzas. Check out the first chapter of it for free by going here: https://evidencebasedbirth.com/book/ 

-Make sure you you subscribe to the Evidence Based Birth podcast and follow Rebecca on IG (@ebbirth)!

-BONUS: Did you know that bed rest during pregnancy may actually be harmful rather than helpful? Check out the articles Rebecca referred to on the show here: 

-Consider one behavior your child is currently struggling with. Do you think they continue to behave this way to get something (e.g., your attention or actual items) or are they hoping to get out of doing something they don’t want to do (e.g., chores, leaving the park, or homework). 

-Determine if they need help communicating their thoughts and feelings more appropriately. Kids need to learn how to get the outcomes they want in socially appropriate ways. If they don’t learn how to do this on their own, you may have to more explicitly teach them. Give them they words to say so that the next time they want something or don’t want something, they know how to tell you. 

-Next, identify what you will do when your child can't get what they want. Even if they ask in the most angelic way, kids can’t always get what they want. The good news is that you can use a reward system to motivate your child to do what you need them to do instead. 

-For example, your son might be arguing with you because he wants to delay his homework. Even if it doesn’t usually work, he knows there is a TINY chance that it might. That’s the outcome he wants. However, he might also really want to watch a certain program or eat a certain snack. If you had a reward system in place, then he might choose to comply even though he dislikes homework. Simply put, that show or snack is worth it to him; all of a sudden, you are tipping the scales and making his behavior worth the effort. 

Behavior can be best understood when it is broken apart into context and outcome.

Context is the situation immediately before to the behavior in question; it is the overall situation the child finds herself inside of. Based upon this context, appropriate behavior or inappropriate behavior can be triggered. Contexts trigger behavior. This explains why we act one way in one situation and another way in another situation.

The outcome is what happens as a result of the behavior. This is what your child actually gets as a result of their behavior. Outcomes are very important to understand if you want to change your child’s behavior. In the next episode we will focus on understanding and controlling outcome to get the results you want.

This week the focus is on changing the context to stop triggering meltdowns. To do this, consider what situations your kids are in when they have meltdowns. Then figure out what you are able to change about that context to improve it for your child. For example, if your child acts out when he or she is bored, what can you do to make them less bored? If it happens when they have too much screen time, then maybe you should limit screen time. Other common contexts that cause problems include the following: not getting enough sleep, not getting enough exercise, being hungry, lack of routine, lack of free time, etc.

Often identifying the issue with the context isn’t the problem. It’s actually making the decision to make a change. Like so many things, mindset is key.

1. Be proactive. Start the conversation with them right away before others have a chance to, if at all possible. They know you and trust you, so it will be best coming from you. Also, it will help them avoid having to sort through inaccurate information. 

2. Be simple. Use words like “dead” and "death” rather than “passed away” or “fell asleep and didn’t wake up.” This helps your child more accurately understand what death is. Next, don’t feel the need to overshare. Tell them what they need to know, but not more. You can always add to the conversation later if something changes. 

3. Be supportive. Your kids may not react with the emotions you think they would have. That’s okay. Young kids may laugh, they may not seem to care, or they may be frightened. There is a whole host of ways they may react, and all the ways  above are developmentally appropriate for young kids. 

4. Be persistent. One conversation is often not enough. Check in with them frequently, since they may feel fine at first but then feel overwhelmed later.

For young kids, figure out why they don’t want to go to school.
- The first question to ask yourself is whether or not your child is asking to stay home because they want to hear your response. As loving parents, we of course are concerned for our kids emotional well-being. We want them to enjoy school. So when they come to us and say they don’t want to go to school, we can get all "mama bear" on them. And who doesn’t want their mom or dad’s protection? I’m not saying your kid is making up their feelings. No. But I am saying that sometimes we make the situation worse when we draw too much attention to it.
- If you don’t think that is the issue, the next thing to consider is this: Is it an academic issue? If the work is too hard, consider options to get more support (e.g., tutoring). Is it possible/appropriate to hold your child back a year? Kids don’t develop at the exact same pace, so perhaps your child isn’t ready yet. Is it a social issue? If that is the problem, ask for your teacher help. Maybe they can pair your son or daughter up with another student who might be a good friend. Social skills groups may be available and offered by the school counselor. Is the teacher the issue? Sometimes it’s just not a good match between your child and the teacher. If you have first tried to make it work to no avail, maybe you need to request a teacher change.

Unfortunately with older kids, we can’t “make” them do much of anything. Also, the consequences of their behavior are often out of our control, more severe, and long-lasting. Despite that, there is a lot you can do to support them.
- Request a meeting with the school counselor (without your child) to find out how they can provide support. Be wary of scare tactics where they want to bring in the school police officer, etc. That may be necessary and helpful eventually, but it’s not a great place to start. Instead, try to keep everything as positive as possible. because it might result in your child shutting down or being defensive.
- Consider asking the school to draft a behavior contract where you, the school, and your child make a commitment of what they will do to achieve an outcome. Providing a reward to your child meeting their end of the bargain is often helpful. Also outlining natural consequences for not attending school is suggested.
- Involve your child in the process as much as possible. What personal goals do they have? How will ditching school negatively impact those goals? How will attending school get them closer to those goals?
- Try to get the bottom of why your child is avoiding school. Ask the same sort of questions outlined for above for older kids: Is it because it is too hard? Issues with friends? Trauma from a specific event? The school might be able to connect your child with short-term group counseling or a few individual sessions. In the long-term, you may want to connect your child with a mental healthcare provider (e.g., social worker, therapist, etc.) that can help.
- Some kids that struggle with depression or anxiety qualify for special education services because their condition impacts their ability to adequately access education. This may increase their likelihood of avoiding school. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), one in 5 kids is impacted by a mental health condition. If you think that your child might be, you may need to request a full psycho-educational evaluation from the school. Kids who qualify receive a combination of free academic accommodations and/or modifications, counseling services, and more.

Coming soon.

• First of all try not to react emotionally, and take a moment to think about the situation as objectively as possible. How old is your child? Developmentally, kids typically aren’t capable of lying until about 4 years of age. Even then, they usually aren’t good at it yet. If your child is late preschool to early elementary, chances are you will often know when they lie. This is a good thing, because it means you can greatly influence their behavior in this area. So try not to get upset and focus on turning into a teaching moment.
• Second, consider giving a second chance, especially if your child doesn’t usually lie and is remorseful. There is a difference between habitually lying and occasionally lying. Every child lies sometimes. And if your child is sorry, then extending them forgiveness models good conflict relolution. If you do decide to give your child a second chance, explain why trust is an important part of any relationship. If trust is broken, you may have to make changes. For example, if your child lies about using an iPad when they aren’t supposed to, the consequence might be that the iPad gets put out of reach of the child if the behavior happens again. Even if it does happen a second time, you might consider telling your child that putting it up isn’t a punishment. It’s just what you as the parent have to do to keep them safe, but that eventually trust can be rebuilt. Explain to them how they can earn back your trust.
• Third, if you strongly suspect your child is lying but they won't fess up, you can give them two options. One is that they tell you the truth now, and the two of you can come up with a consequence together. However, if they don’t confess but you confirm later that they were lying, then the consequence is going to be ________. You fill in the blank. Try to choose something that relates to what they are lying about, if possible. Keep in mind that it is sort of a catch-22. If it’s too terrible you might run the risk of teaching them to be skillful liars to avoid punishment. On the flip side, if you never give consequences when your child admits they have lied to you, then you might find yourself in a situation where your son or daughter frequently and flippantly lies and apologizes. It’s a delicate balance. 

Show Notes:

*Check out Abbey on IG here (https://www.instagram.com/mimosaswithmoms/) for daily inspiration to help get through this crazy beautiful thing we call parenting:

*Find her on FB here (https://www.facebook.com/pages/category/Podcast/Mimosas-with-Moms-by-Abbey-Williams-2329402587291677/)

*Listen to her podcast Mimosas with Moms (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mimosas-with-moms/id1449622243)

Show notes:

Don’t be afraid to be creative. If your child won’t work to GET something, maybe they will work to GET OUT of something (like a chore that he or she doesn’t like).

Interview your child. This may sound obvious, but often we parents make assumptions about what our kids SHOULD want. Sometimes we are wrong. One of the things I talk about is the importance of getting your child’s buy-in, and this definitely increases their buy in.

Sometimes all it takes is setting up clear boundaries and structure where FIRST they have to do what they don’t want to do and THEN they get to do what they actually want to do.

There are only so many hours in the day, and by saying yes to things, you are also saying no to others. Be purposeful and intentional with these choices. 

• As a family, for now we have decided to say no to organized sports so we can say yes to sports we do as a family. 

• For those of two-parent households, prioritizing your relationship with each other benefits the entire family. 

• A weekly date night (either going out or cooking together once our kids are in bed) is one way that we are doing this in our family. 

• Serving others in need is a great way to bring your family together. 

• As a family we are involved with a non-profit called Safe Families for Children (safe-families.org), where we take in kids to our home from time to time. This has been a blessing in our home and inspired some great conversations. 

1. Minimize- Take some time to go through your kids' toys and donate what they no longer play with. The more toys they have, the more things that will be on their floor (and all over your house). One of the things parents tell me they fight about with their kids is cleaning up.

2. Organize- Create a schedule for the days that you have off together. Have your kids participate in creating it to increase their buy-in.

3. Revitalize- Take time to reflect on your relationship with your child. What is going well? What is an area that is a stumbling block? So much of improving our relationship with our kiddos starts with a shift in mindset. We know the right things to do, but don’t always do them. What is one thing that you can do differently to make the holiday break a better time for you and your kids?

• It calls out "diet culture." Dieting involves restricting food groups and food amounts. Research shows that dieting results in weight fluctuations and a lot of mental health issues. It also is linked to a risk of developing an eating disorder.
• It helps teach your kids to get in touch with their body’s hunger cues.
• It encourages your child to make age-appropriate choices about what they eat, how much, etc.

There also a few things that you may want to think twice about. Some specific thoughts I share include:

• Very little research about using this approach with kids currently exists.
• Kids often need to try things several times before learning to enjoy eating them. This approach may discourage kids from trying things enough times.
• Some food is more nutritious than others. In my professional opinion, highlighting this does not mean your child will develop an unhealthy relationship with food. 

-Admit to yourself (and a close friend!) that you are going through a challenging season with your kids.
-Do some inventory regarding self-care. What are you currently doing (or NOT doing) to take care of yourself.
-Shift some responsibility to your spouse, if at all possible.
-Seek out more specialized assistance such as counseling, if you think the issue maybe more related to depression or anxiety than the circumstances.
-If the issue centers around your kids acting out, consider making a change. For example, you could try using a reward system.

-Decide on limits and put them in place. Most kids in the US are in front of screens two or more hours each day (not including academic activities), yet professionals recommend capping the time at an hour. An hour is NOT a magical number, so if you decide on more or less, that is fine. It’s more about the accountability that this creates for your kids AND you.

-Allow yourself to make exceptions to the rule you set as needed. Whether your kids are home sick, you have an important project, or you're just having one of those days, exceptions are FINE. No mom or dad guilt allowed.

-Put safe guards in place. Consider where your child will be able to use screens. Many professionals recommend not allowing your kids to have their devices in their room. Learn to use the restrictions on the device to block explicit content.

-Finally, make sure that screen time isn’t getting in the way of other more important things. Making time to connect with your kids on a regular basis by reading, playing, and just talking to them are highly important. Also, make sure your kids are getting enough physical activity. 

-Create a structured environment. Make a schedule for when and where homework is completed. Ensure that your child gets to do a few FUN things right after homework, to motivate him or her to get it done.

-If the structure and routine is not enough, then you may need to troubleshoot. For example, consider breaking up homework into smaller chunks. You can use a digital timer and say your child needs to work for a certain amount of minutes before getting a short break. Another option is to say she or he needs to complete a certain amount of homework (e.g., number of math problems) before getting a break.

-Consider negotiating less homework with the teacher. For example, if your child struggles the most with reading but excels in math, ask the teacher to do MORE reading and LESS math for homework.

Toddlers: Train them young! At about a year, start teaching them to put their toys away. Choose a clean up song to consistently use (which will help them if they don’t yet have much language) and then help your kids put two or three items away a few times per day.

Preschool: Make a short list of daily “chores,” like cleaning up toys, putting shoes in a bin, and putting clothes in the hamper. Use a list with pictures to help them know what they need to do.

Elementary: By kindergarten, kids can learn to do MANY self-care things on their own and some household chores as well. Some examples include:

Making a school lunch.

Getting up in the morning with an alarm clock.

Brushing teeth (a digital timer can help).

One or two household chores that are not self-care related.

Set the stage with the right routine. Ensure that the child has a predictable routine before bed that includes quality time between you and your child. Sometimes incorporating the use of a digital timer or written down schedule (words or pictures) can be helpful.

Choose an incentive that your child actually wants. It has to be something your child really wants and something you are willing to withhold from the child in all other circumstances.  

Take it one (realistic) step at a time. Of course the ultimate goal is for your son or daughter to sleep all night long every night, but take a deep breath and realize that changing behavior is a process. Start small.

So what do you do if your child gets up when they aren’t supposed to? I recommend that you say something simple like, “You got up too many times, so now you don’t earn ______.” Say it once in a calm, but firm voice. Then bring your child back to bed as many times as it takes without providing unnecessary attention (e.g., without talking to him or her, providing eye contact, or giving more physical contact than is necessary to safely assist the child back into his or her bed). This is the hard but necessary part! 

Before you start anything get your child’s buy in. It is very important to sit your child down and talk to him or her about the plan that you have created. Let them help make the materials if you are using a reward chart. Everything should be framed in a positive way to your child so he or she sees it as an opportunity to earn “cool stuff” rather than some sort of punishment.

If you do these things and they don’t work, don’t be afraid to adjust and try again! In terms of trouble shooting, you may need to make changes to your program if it isn’t working. 

• For picky eaters, be mindful of snacks. One in between meals is typically sufficient for kids, unless they are going through a growth spurt. Ensuring that the snacks include some type of protein that will keep kids full until the next meal are advisable. Beyond that, you may choose to provide free access to certain foods (like cold cut veggies or fruit). If your child doesn’t eat all of his dinner because he’s had too many carrots, you probably don’t care!
• Give choices to your child. This can include allowing him or her to participate in meal planning, choosing how they eat of each item, etc. 
• Consider making a rule where kids are required to “eat a little bit of everything.” Though it’s good to serve meals with items your child likes, it is not always possible to do this perfectly. Requiring your child to at least eat a BITE of everything you sere (even of things he or she doesn’t like) will ensure repeated exposure to items. Kids often need to try items several times before they learn to like them.
• With food your child doesn’t particularly like, consider rewarding him or her in some way for trying the item.

• Make a list of two or three “trigger situations" where your kids are likely to act out. As parents we get caught up in the moment, and often we let these situations repeat over and over again.
• Make a hypothesis of why your child is acting out in each trigger situation. Episode two of this podcast is all about why behavior happens, but the basic idea is that behavior occurs to get things (including activities and attention) that we want OR to get out of doing things we don’t want to do. Why do you think your child is acting out? Write it down.
• Come up with something your child can do in these triggers situations before they make the choice to misbehave. Here are some of the examples we spoke about in the episode:
  • Picky eating during meals: less snacks, more preferred foods each meal, more choices, rewarding if your child eats a little bit of everything.
  • Meltdowns during bedtime: visual schedule of bedtime routine, use of a timer, star chart with short-term and long-term rewards.
  • Tantrums when told to clean room: start small and only require the child to pick up a few items at a time, reward them for cleaning (e.g., pause a TV show and only turn it back on once they have cleaned). 

• The three subtypes of ADHD are inattentive, hyperactive/impulsive, and combined. Most children with ADHD have the combined subtype.
• Not all kids with ADHD need medication, but for some it can be very helpful.
• The two main categories of medication for those with this diagnosis are stimulant and non-stimulant medication. Stimulant medication often works immediately, but non-stimulant medication can take a few weeks.
• Stimulant medication is very effective for many kids, so doctors typically start with it. For those with certain medical conditions, those who experience side effects from stimulant medication, or those whose symptoms do not improve, doctors prescribe non-stimulant medication.

• Discover activities that all of your kids like to do, and invest in them. For example, if your kids enjoy board games, then have a lot of them on hand to encourage them to spend time together.

• Even if space is abundant, consider having your kids share a room when they are young.

• Come up with a simple rule for sharing that works in your home. For example, kids close in age might only be allowed to have a limited number of items they aren’t required to share.

• Put rules in place about problem solving. For example, you might tell your kids that during specific periods of time (e.g., while you are cooking) they need to work any arguments out between themselves unless one of them is physically hurt. You can allow them to tell you about it once you are finished (which they often won’t feel the need to do!). This may require extra planning on your part as the parent, because you will need to teach them to express their frustration with each other in an appropriate way.

• As a bonus, here is a free resource to use if you find one sibling frequently bullying the other:

• Download Here

When kids are doing an activity they don’t like (e.g., cleaning their room), time-outs don’t usually work. This is because sitting on time-out might actually be more “fun” than what they are supposed to be doing. In this situation, consider using one of the following strategies: 

• Require your child to finish what they have been told to do. Remind them of something fun they can do afterwards, but don’t let them do a different activity until they complete part or all of the task.

• Take away a privilege. Choose something that is important, but not catastrophic to your child. Bigger is not necessarily better. Also, choose something that you are willing to follow through with. This also works well with older kids who have grown out of time-outs.

If your child has done something to hurt another (either physically or emotionally), consider using a restorative justice approach. This simply means that you require your child to fix the situation with the other person. For example, if your child destroyed a sandcastle that another child built, she could help the child rebuild the castle.

Time-out is when your child goes from an enjoyable situation to a less enjoyable situation. It shouldn’t be used if the child is already doing something they don’t like (e.g., cleaning their room), because you can’t be sure if the time-out is actually less enjoyable than what they are escaping from. The basic structure of time-out is:

• Remind your child of what they should (rather than shouldn’t) be doing.
• Have your child sit on time-out. Another option is to take something away from your child for a period of time.
• Use a timer, adding one minute per year of age. When it goes off, remind your child of the rule once more… then drop it and let them go back to what they were doing.

There are only so many hours in the day, and by saying yes to things, you are also saying no to others. Be purposeful and intentional with these choices. 

• As a family, for now we have decided to say no to organized sports so we can say yes to sports we do as a family. 

• For those of two-parent households, prioritizing your relationship with each other benefits the entire family. 

• A weekly date night (either going out or cooking together once our kids are in bed) is one way that we are doing this in our family. 

• Serving others in need is a great way to bring your family together. 

• As a family we are involved with a non-profit called Safe Families for Children (safe-families.org), where we take in kids to our home from time to time. This has been a blessing in our home and inspired some great conversations. 

Some basic troubleshooting techniques from this episode include the following:

• Improve the reward you are using to make it more motivating.

• Involve your child in the cleanup process when they have accidents, while doing your best not overreact despite your (natural!) frustration.

• Use a journal to discover any patterns in terms of when your child is having an accident.

• Based upon what you learn, proactively act in those specific situations.

• Consider temporarily allowing your child to use a pull-up (in the bathroom) to go #2.

In this episode we discuss many things to do to make potty training as stress-free and successful as possible. The basic method I recommend is as follows:

• Put the child in underwear, rather than pull-ups.

• Give them their favorite drink.

• Set a timer for about 30 minutes. Each time it goes off, have them sit on the potty for 5 minutes.

• If they go #1 or #2 on the potty, give them a favorite treat (that they ONLY get for potty training) and lots of praise.

• If they have an accident, calmly have help you clean up the accident and start over.

It’s hard (and sometimes downright painful!) to watch our kids experience natural consequences when they make mistakes. However, sometimes we need to allow them to walk through life’s challenges. In this episode we go over the following three things to ask yourself when making the decision to allow your child to experience natural consequences or bail them out:

• How big of a deal is it?

• Is it a pervasive issue, or a first time offense?

• Do you have the bandwidth to rescue them?

   

Executive functioning includes skills such as memory, organization, and planning. Implementing these three things can improve your child’s skills in these areas:

• Create a schedule with your child.

• Incorporate the use of timers with children of all ages.

• Put visual cues and reminders in your child’s environment.

• Click here  to download a free example of a visual cue that can be used with kids.

What is the best way to respond to your child’s defiance in moment, and what can you do to prevent it in the future? Here are some of the pointers discussed in this episode:

• Take a deep breath. Label the behavior as defiant and give another chance for compliance. 

• If your child still chooses to be defiant, react based upon their age.

• For younger kids, sometimes the best bet is to provide physical guidance to assist them to complete whatever they are being defiant about.

• For older kids, a loss of specific privileges for a short period of time often works well.

• Make sure to use proactive strategies to prevent defiant behavior if it occurs frequently. This may include teaching appropriate negotiation skills and/or rewarding the absence of defiant behavior with incentives.

Sometimes it is so difficult to avoid #momguilt! In this episode, Dr. Heather Maguire opens up about her own personal journey as a mother of two young kids, highlighting the following three lies she used to tell herself:

• I am lazy. If I worked harder, was more efficient, I could get everything on my to-do list accomplished.

• I have to be fair to each of my kids, which means treating them exactly the same.

• I can do this alone. I don’t need to ask for help.

Why does your child behave the way they do? It is less complicated than you may think. Behavior psychology says that we act to get things (actual items and activities, as well as attention) and get out of things (to escape, avoid, or delay experiences that we don’t like). That’s about it! Here are some things you can do to prevent challenging behavior in the future:

• Come up with a list of situations that often trigger your child’s misbehavior.

• For behaviors that occur to get things, try giving your child something they like or prefer before entering a trigger situation.

• For behaviors that occur to get out of things, the next time you are in the trigger situation make the task easier by shorting it or modifying it. Just make sure to do this proactively, rather than in response to a problematic response.

• For toddlers, start out by giving rewards each time they are successful at whatever behavior you are working on (e.g., using the potty). 

• For kids who are 4 or 5, you can give something small for each success (e.g., a preferred snack), but then something bigger (e.g., a small toy) for a larger number of successes.

• For older kids, earning money is often a good incentive. For example, you can outline a specific list of behaviors to work on and use quarters as the incentive.

• Before creating your own reward system, make sure to check out the free tool I created called The Easiest Thing You Can do to Change Your Child's Behavior TODAY!